How to Handle Big Feelings At Bedtime

Whether it's from a feisty 3-year-old or an anxious pre-teen, big feelings at bedtime can derail a perfectly planned evening to ourselves.

More importantly, none of us wants to see our kids struggle. But one truth we can remind ourselves of, no matter what the worry or full-blown tantrum, is that whatever your child is feeling is totally, completely okay.

Whenever one of my kids is having what seems like an illogical, overblown fear, I have to remind myself that the feeling itself is normal, acceptable and justified. Feelings are meant to be felt, not rationalized. (I say this, but I still regularly catch myself trying to talk them out of their bad-guy fears.)

While our kids' emotional outbursts or worries may not make perfect sense to us, they're usually perfectly in line with whatever stage of development they're in or what's happening in their lives.

(Of course not every behaviour is okay, and it's important we hold our boundaries on anything harmful.)

So, how do we handle our kids' big feelings in a way that gets bedtime back on track, tonight and in the nights ahead?

Here is a rule-of-thumb I've learned that always helps: Be the calm nervous system in the room.

All humans pick up 'cues' from the people around us, and no one does this better than children with their parents; our brains have been programmed to clock the nervous systems of the people around us, to check whether we're safe. And naturally, when our child is having a meltdown, our stress response turns on too.

But here's the trick: you can consciously turn down the volume on your own stress response by making sure you're breathing with your belly, and once in a while taking a few deeper breaths. After about three decent breaths, you'll become 'the calm nervous system in the room'. And your child can't help but pick up on that.

In other words, when they can't self-regulate, you can co-regulate.

Pretty soon, the volume on their own stress response will be lower, making it possible for them to actually think and listen and problem solve.

So whether your child is mid-meltdown or has just started to complain about bedtime, conscious belly breathing is the best tool I've found to get things back on track. Once they start to calm, you can distract them into their pyjamas or be the listening ear for their worries at school.

Your evening to yourself might get a slightly later start, but your child will feel seen and heard, and will start to develop an association with bedtime as a positive time to connect with their favourite person in the world.

3 things not to say to a child with bedtime fears

Sometimes our best-intentioned words of support can give our kids the wrong message, and even end up worsening bedtime battles and night wakings. Here are 3 common things we say to our kids when they're scared that probably hurt more than help.

#1. See? There are no monsters under your bed!

Monsters and “bad guys” are common culprits in children’s nighttime fears. So, when your 6-year-old says,­­ “I’m afraid there’s a monster under my bed,” most parents launch into Superhero mode and brave the dark with their child, flashlight in hand, to show them there are no ugly beasts lurking under the bed or in the closet. Another popular solution is an essential-oil-and-water mix you call “Monster spray” that you spritz around your child's room at bedtime.

• The message you’re trying to send: “You’re safe here”.

• The message your child probably receives: “Monsters exist. There just doesn’t happen to be any under my bed right now.”

• The solution: Acknowledge their fear, get them talking about it (without trying to talk them out of it!) and give them healthy, tangible options for managing their “scared feelings” – a special rubbing stone under their pillow and/or reading their "power words" they post on the wall beside their bed.

#2. You’re a big boy/girl now, it’s time to stay in your own room all night.

If your child is coming into your room and into your bed every night, I know how exhausting that can be. But if your child is having nightmares and talking about other fears, there is likely more going on than simply defiant behaviour that needs to be curbed.

• The message you’re trying to send: “I believe in you; you can do it.”

• The message your child might be receiving: “Swallowing my fears and feelings is what it means to be a big boy / big girl."

• The solution: First, there seems to be a link between an increase in nightmares and a child being overtired; as a first step, try an earlier bedtime. Next, talk about nighttime fears during daytime hours, and really let them express themselves as you simply listen and acknowledge what they’re feeling. Using their "thinking brain" to process their fears can help dampen the fight-or-flight part of their brain that acts up when fear kicks in.

#3. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

This one is a knee-jerk reaction for so many of us, probably because we were raised this way. We mean well (and so did our parents), but the underlying message here is to ignore what we’re truly feeling, burying it rather than facing it in a productive, healthy way that helps us grow and become more resilient.

• The message you’re trying to send: “I love you and want you to be happy and feel safe.”

• The message your child may be receiving: “My feelings aren’t real and / or don’t matter.”

• The solution: You may be starting to see a pattern here, but it’s always a good idea to acknowledge your child’s emotions and listen while they talk them through. It can even help them sleep.

It’s so tempting to try to “fix” our kids' fears or logically explain why their worries have no basis in reality. But according to experts, what every child needs more than anything is to be seen and heard. Not only will listening and simply acknowledging give our kids exactly what they need, it actually gives them the sense of safety and security they really need to stand (or sleep) on their own.

If you have a child aged 6-10 with fears around bedtime and sleeping alone, book a free call to learn more about my Confident Sleepers Big Kid program.

How to keep your early-riser sleeping

If your child is waking up before the crack of dawn every day (i.e. before 6 a.m. after a 7:30 bedtime), this checklist is a good starting place for solving the issue: 

• Offer them more food before bedtime to fill their tank a little more.

• Use blackout blinds; make sure the room is dark enough and that street lights aren't seeping in around the sides.

• Avoid night lights or light-up toys in the room. The perfect amount of light for a child’s room is to have a night light on in the hallway with their door left open just a crack. And cover any LED lights from devices in the room (humidifiers, monitors) with electrical tape.

• Put an extra layer on your child, so that they don’t become a little chilly at 5 a.m. when body temperatures tend to drop. If your child doesn’t move around a whole lot while they sleep, you could also slip a extra light blanket on them when you’re heading to bed. But keep the room temperature between 18 and 21 degrees C.

• Use a little white noise (placed away from your child’s bed) to help drown out early-morning birds, garbage trucks or snowplows rolling by, a heater kicking in or a parent getting up early for work.

All of these tips assume that your child is falling asleep independently, without any sleep 'props' like Mom or Dad falling asleep beside them (and then going off to their own bed for the night), or for younger children, falling asleep feeding or with a pacifier. Since we have a lot of light-sleep phases in the early morning hours, your child will almost certainly wake up at 5 a.m. looking for their prop.

If you'd like more tips for helping your child sleep well, I have a free video series - one for every age group from infants to age 10.