What about "fine" as a goal?

The other day I had a routine check-in with a sweet 8-year-old boy, and he gave me (as these amazing little people often do), a lightbulb moment - like one of Oprah's ah-ha's. 

(Quick backstory: He had been gradually working his way from a paralyzing fear of being alone at night and needing to fall asleep on the living-room couch with the TV and all the lights on, to sleeping in his own room. As of this week, he is almost ready to graduate.)

So I asked him, "How did you feel, lying in your bed at night falling asleep when your Mom was sitting half-way down the stairs?" To be honest, I was hoping to hear "Confident!" or Proud!".

But his answer? "Fine." (With a dimpled little smile.)

Isn't that brilliant?! He's fine! That's it, I thought. Isn't that what we really want for our kids? That they're "fine"?

I call my program "Confident Sleepers" because the idea is to give kids enough support and tools to develop confidence around something that was previously scary. (I probably won't change the name; "Fine Sleepers" won't likely catch many tired parents' attention.) 

But this little boy, who two months ago was terrified of falling asleep in his own room, now feels fine.

It got me thinking about every goal we set for our kids: from making a team to acing a math test to having "the resilience to overcome any challenge life throws at them" (holy cow, that's a great, evolved sentiment but might take a lifetime for them to get there). So what's wrong with "fine"?

I think we could get very philosophical on this rabbit-hole of an idea, or, we could just be fine with it. But when I think about the idea of fine as a goal for myself and especially my children, wow - it feels like the pressure flies away. (And who wants more pressure?!)

So for today, for you and your kids, I wish you all the best. In other words, I hope everything is just fine.

Make Bedtime a Breeze

Bedtime for our kids can either be the greatest, sweetest, hugs-and-kisses-filled time of day or the absolute rock-bottom, crazy-making worst.

For every family, it ebbs and flows; sometimes sleep comes easily for our kids, other times it's a struggle. And for some families, bedtime has always been a source of stress and chaos.

Whether you're in the struggling-for-hours camp or the negotiating for 45 minutes one, here are some quick ideas to supercharge your bedtime routine and ease your child into sleep mode:

Start with something fun, like a 3-minute family dance party (kids choose the song!). The point is that you A) get the wiggles out and burn off some end-of-day energy, and B) connect with your child before the marching orders start getting doled out.

This is a concept explained by well-known child psychologist and author Daniel Siegel as "connect before you direct". The idea is that your kids will be far more likely to be attuned to what needs to happen next if they feel connected to you in the moment.

Another great way to supercharge the connection with your child right before lights out is to do something tactile. You can give them a little belly rub or back massage, or play a game where they have to guess the letter or picture that you draw with your finger on their back.

The bonus of this activity is you're much more likely to get them to sit on the edge of their bed for a back massage than if you simply say "Okay, time to get into bed." (I teach this to every family I work with, yet I literally hear myself say, "Okay kids, time to get into bed!" all the time. They really could care less what "time" it is.)

Once your kiddo is tucked in, see if you can trick them into slowing their breathing by holding up however many fingers match their age and getting them to slowly blow out their 'birthday candles'. 

Little rituals like these can not only distract your child through the going-to-bed process and calm their little nervous system, but they can help kids feel seen and heard by their two favourite people, which goes miles toward making any kind of behavioural change - bedtime or anytime.

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If your child is dealing with a deeply-ingrained co-sleeping habit or bigger fears and anxieties around sleeping alone, book a free call with me to learn more about my "Confident Sleepers" Big-Kid Program.

My Personal Parenting-Book Faves

When our mothers raised us, there was only one book on parenting: Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care. My Mom said she didn’t even read it. :)

Parenting wasn’t even a word.

Now, there are countless volumes on how to feed, toilet train, talk to and otherwise raise our kids from womb to adulthood. There is, simply, too much information, and we can’t read it all.

I certainly haven’t read it all, but I have a few favourites that have saved my sanity. Without them I would probably be screaming at my kids all day. 

So, I’m going to share my favourite parenting books, and I hope some of you will do the same in the comments at the end (selfishly asking of course).

Each of these books focuses on understanding your child’s developing brain, normalizing all that crazy-making behaviour, and giving parents a way to respond to those behaviours in the most compassionate, productive way possible.

The Whole-Brain Child

This is one of those books that makes you say, “Ohhhhh…. Oops”.

Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson wrote this to help us understand the meltdowns – those illogical moments when our kids seem to make mountains out of mole hills.

It helps us make sense of the chaos - those times when we’re thinking (or saying) “Would you just calm down?!” (I remember hearing myself one stressful, rushed morning actually say to my 5-year-old, “It’s not a big deal!” To which she screamed right back, “It IS a BIG DEAL!” Right.)

The authors explain, in simple language, what’s actually happening in a child’s brain in those moments and what they really need from us, despite what it looks like. It is truly incredible when you have this knowledge, and instead of getting angry and trying to discipline in the middle of a tantrum, you just kneel down and hold your arms open, and your child (who five seconds ago was screaming ‘I hate you!’) runs right into them for comfort in the midst of the emotional storm.

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

This book, by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long, outlines a five-week, clinically proven program – a specific method of interacting with your child – that can help prevent or seriously tone down the back-talking, tantrums and other difficult behaviours.

And it works like a flippin’ magic wand, no kidding. It is so effective at teaching parents how to help their child feel acknowledged, noticed and appreciated (so there is less reason for them to act out in the first place) that I give a Cole’s Notes version (no pun intended) to every family I work with that has a toddler or older child.

I once recommended my short version of this strategy to parents whose little boy had “broken up with his Dad” – he was all Mommy, all the time (including the middle of the night).  Within a week or two of his Dad using it, the little boy was skipping out the door with him for café dates and park trips, cheerily waving “Bye Mom!” 

The program is truly incredible for kids aged 2.5–6; it focuses on boosting a positive sense of self in your child, so even if you’re not particularly struggling, it’s worth learning. It changed my life when I read it, and using the technique is now a habit. 

Raising Your Spirited Child

The subtitle on this book is “a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic”.

Just even understanding that there’s a normal range of children’s temperaments can help you breathe a sigh of relief and stop wishing your child would magically (or forcibly) change into one of those docile, easy-going kids.

This book can help you understand your child, rather than assuming they’re “difficult” or coming off the rails. Spirited kids’ brains are wired differently, and they need different kinds of communication and awareness from us as parents. The author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explains it all, and gives you strategies for handling every situation in a way that helps your child feel appreciated for who they are.

I love this book because it helped me realize that spirited kids are a gift. I always say to parents at my sleep seminars that these are the cool kids, the super-fun kids. (I’m developing a bit of a theory that spirited natures first show themselves in difficulty settling to sleep….)

The ideas in this book help us learn how to positively respond to our spirited kids’ sometimes over-the-top natures. And it’s our (rather challenging) job to help them shine and not be bowled over by their emotions or shut down by a parent who wishes they were anything other than their perfect little selves, with all their wildness and exuberance.

Next on My List:

Hold On to Your Kids – Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Gordon Neufeld is a giant in the child-development / attachment-theory world; he wrote this book with Gabor Maté as a guide for keeping kids grounded despite a phenomenon he calls “peer orientation” – when kids look to their peers for direction and a sense of right and wrong, rather than their parents.

I bought this book when my first child was an infant, because I knew I would need it one day. Parenting in the digital age scares me. Now that my kids are in elementary school, I can already see the potential for this phenomenon taking over.

And finally, here’s one I sheepishly haven’t finished:

Mindful Parent, Happy Child

by Pilar M. Placone

If you can’t get through an entire book on mindfulness, you probably need to read 10. :)

The crux of this one (so far) is that when we’re locked in battle with our kids, or frustrated with our two-year-old, it’s we who are being triggered, and not necessarily our kids who are so out-of-line (usually, they’re just being kids). This is the whole basis for seeing our children as our teachers, our vehicles for becoming better versions of ourselves. There’s just no substitute for knowing our own triggers when it comes to living a sane life.

Let this be my written commitment to dust that one off.