3 things not to say to a child with bedtime fears

Sometimes our best-intentioned words of support can give our kids the wrong message, and even end up worsening bedtime battles and night wakings. Here are 3 common things we say to our kids when they're scared that probably hurt more than help.

#1. See? There are no monsters under your bed!

Monsters and “bad guys” are common culprits in children’s nighttime fears. So, when your 6-year-old says,­­ “I’m afraid there’s a monster under my bed,” most parents launch into Superhero mode and brave the dark with their child, flashlight in hand, to show them there are no ugly beasts lurking under the bed or in the closet. Another popular solution is an essential-oil-and-water mix you call “Monster spray” that you spritz around your child's room at bedtime.

• The message you’re trying to send: “You’re safe here”.

• The message your child probably receives: “Monsters exist. There just doesn’t happen to be any under my bed right now.”

• The solution: Acknowledge their fear, get them talking about it (without trying to talk them out of it!) and give them healthy, tangible options for managing their “scared feelings” – a special rubbing stone under their pillow and/or reading their "power words" they post on the wall beside their bed.

#2. You’re a big boy/girl now, it’s time to stay in your own room all night.

If your child is coming into your room and into your bed every night, I know how exhausting that can be. But if your child is having nightmares and talking about other fears, there is likely more going on than simply defiant behaviour that needs to be curbed.

• The message you’re trying to send: “I believe in you; you can do it.”

• The message your child might be receiving: “Swallowing my fears and feelings is what it means to be a big boy / big girl."

• The solution: First, there seems to be a link between an increase in nightmares and a child being overtired; as a first step, try an earlier bedtime. Next, talk about nighttime fears during daytime hours, and really let them express themselves as you simply listen and acknowledge what they’re feeling. Using their "thinking brain" to process their fears can help dampen the fight-or-flight part of their brain that acts up when fear kicks in.

#3. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

This one is a knee-jerk reaction for so many of us, probably because we were raised this way. We mean well (and so did our parents), but the underlying message here is to ignore what we’re truly feeling, burying it rather than facing it in a productive, healthy way that helps us grow and become more resilient.

• The message you’re trying to send: “I love you and want you to be happy and feel safe.”

• The message your child may be receiving: “My feelings aren’t real and / or don’t matter.”

• The solution: You may be starting to see a pattern here, but it’s always a good idea to acknowledge your child’s emotions and listen while they talk them through. It can even help them sleep.

It’s so tempting to try to “fix” our kids' fears or logically explain why their worries have no basis in reality. But according to experts, what every child needs more than anything is to be seen and heard. Not only will listening and simply acknowledging give our kids exactly what they need, it actually gives them the sense of safety and security they really need to stand (or sleep) on their own.

If you have a child aged 6-10 with fears around bedtime and sleeping alone, book a free call to learn more about my Confident Sleepers Big Kid program.