What?! No more soother?!

I was talking to the parents of a 7-month-old the other day; they needed my help with their baby who was waking up several times a night and taking short naps.

They listened intently to every step of my plan, fully on board with what needed to change to help their little one learn to sleep through the night, until I said those six scary words:

"So, this means no more soother."

I could feel the tension in their silence and see the fear in their eyes.

I smiled. I had seen this time and time again when parents first imagine the impossible task of putting their baby to bed without a pacifier.

This couple knew that the fall-out-and-replace routine with their little one's pacifier was likely the culprit in their baby's frequent wakings and short naps. But after 7 months of getting up to pop it back in every time their baby woke, they couldn't imagine it any other way.

But, like everything in life, you never know until you try. The good news is, parents can lean on the experience of countless others before them. Here's what I tell every parent who just can't see the end of popping a soother back in: a pacifier is the easiest sleep prop to get rid of. Baby after baby and toddler after toddler I've worked with has forgotten all about their soother and started sleeping through the night (and taking longer naps) within a week.

As for the couple I was speaking to the other day as we walked through their baby's sleep plan, their little one slept 12 hours straight last night. "This is like magic!" the Mom said to me in our check-in call yesterday. "We just can't believe it... we feel amazing."

While a pacifier can really help with a fussy newborn, after a while, it is almost like giving your baby a job to do insead of just sleeping. When they wake up at the end of every natural sleep cycle, as is normal for all of us to do, they cry out, looking for the thing that helped them get to sleep in the first place. So we pop it back in and encourage them to suck in order to fall asleep.

Without having an internal program for how to drift off to sleep (like we all developed as babies), they will continue to wake up and need that assistance night after night, sleep cycle after sleep cycle.

All it takes is a solid plan for how to comfort your baby without getting in the way of them developing their own internal fall-asleep program, so they can simply roll over and go right back to sleep, 5 or 6 times a night. That's what "sleeping through the night" really means: the ability to go from sleep cycle to sleep cycle without fully waking up. When we get 8 hours of sleep, that's what we're actually doing.

Once a baby learns how to do that, it's a breeze for them to drift off to dreamland on their own steam and to sleep 11 -12 hours straight through the night without making a peep. And that means you get your evenings back for you and nighttime back for sleeping, not to mention being happier parents with a thriving, well-rested baby in the morning.

In no time flat, you'll be thinking "What soother? Did we ever use a soother?"

And your little one will just be dreaming.

My Personal Parenting-Book Faves

When our mothers raised us, there was only one book on parenting: Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care. My Mom said she didn’t even read it. :)

Parenting wasn’t even a word.

Now, there are countless volumes on how to feed, toilet train, talk to and otherwise raise our kids from womb to adulthood. There is, simply, too much information, and we can’t read it all.

I certainly haven’t read it all, but I have a few favourites that have saved my sanity. Without them I would probably be screaming at my kids all day. 

So, I’m going to share my favourite parenting books, and I hope some of you will do the same in the comments at the end (selfishly asking of course).

Each of these books focuses on understanding your child’s developing brain, normalizing all that crazy-making behaviour, and giving parents a way to respond to those behaviours in the most compassionate, productive way possible.

The Whole-Brain Child

This is one of those books that makes you say, “Ohhhhh…. Oops”.

Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson wrote this to help us understand the meltdowns – those illogical moments when our kids seem to make mountains out of mole hills.

It helps us make sense of the chaos - those times when we’re thinking (or saying) “Would you just calm down?!” (I remember hearing myself one stressful, rushed morning actually say to my 5-year-old, “It’s not a big deal!” To which she screamed right back, “It IS a BIG DEAL!” Right.)

The authors explain, in simple language, what’s actually happening in a child’s brain in those moments and what they really need from us, despite what it looks like. It is truly incredible when you have this knowledge, and instead of getting angry and trying to discipline in the middle of a tantrum, you just kneel down and hold your arms open, and your child (who five seconds ago was screaming ‘I hate you!’) runs right into them for comfort in the midst of the emotional storm.

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

This book, by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long, outlines a five-week, clinically proven program – a specific method of interacting with your child – that can help prevent or seriously tone down the back-talking, tantrums and other difficult behaviours.

And it works like a flippin’ magic wand, no kidding. It is so effective at teaching parents how to help their child feel acknowledged, noticed and appreciated (so there is less reason for them to act out in the first place) that I give a Cole’s Notes version (no pun intended) to every family I work with that has a toddler or older child.

I once recommended my short version of this strategy to parents whose little boy had “broken up with his Dad” – he was all Mommy, all the time (including the middle of the night).  Within a week or two of his Dad using it, the little boy was skipping out the door with him for café dates and park trips, cheerily waving “Bye Mom!” 

The program is truly incredible for kids aged 2.5–6; it focuses on boosting a positive sense of self in your child, so even if you’re not particularly struggling, it’s worth learning. It changed my life when I read it, and using the technique is now a habit. 

Raising Your Spirited Child

The subtitle on this book is “a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic”.

Just even understanding that there’s a normal range of children’s temperaments can help you breathe a sigh of relief and stop wishing your child would magically (or forcibly) change into one of those docile, easy-going kids.

This book can help you understand your child, rather than assuming they’re “difficult” or coming off the rails. Spirited kids’ brains are wired differently, and they need different kinds of communication and awareness from us as parents. The author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explains it all, and gives you strategies for handling every situation in a way that helps your child feel appreciated for who they are.

I love this book because it helped me realize that spirited kids are a gift. I always say to parents at my sleep seminars that these are the cool kids, the super-fun kids. (I’m developing a bit of a theory that spirited natures first show themselves in difficulty settling to sleep….)

The ideas in this book help us learn how to positively respond to our spirited kids’ sometimes over-the-top natures. And it’s our (rather challenging) job to help them shine and not be bowled over by their emotions or shut down by a parent who wishes they were anything other than their perfect little selves, with all their wildness and exuberance.

Next on My List:

Hold On to Your Kids – Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Gordon Neufeld is a giant in the child-development / attachment-theory world; he wrote this book with Gabor Maté as a guide for keeping kids grounded despite a phenomenon he calls “peer orientation” – when kids look to their peers for direction and a sense of right and wrong, rather than their parents.

I bought this book when my first child was an infant, because I knew I would need it one day. Parenting in the digital age scares me. It’s on my ‘to-read’ list now because my first child has just started school, and I can already see the potential for this phenomenon taking over.

And finally, here’s one I sheepishly haven’t finished:

Mindful Parent, Happy Child

by Pilar M. Placone

If you can’t get through an entire book on mindfulness, you probably need to read 10. :)

The crux of this one (so far) is that when we’re locked in battle with our kids, or frustrated with our two-year-old, it’s we who are being triggered, and not necessarily our kids who are so out-of-line (usually, they’re just being kids). This is the whole basis for seeing our children as our teachers, our vehicles for becoming better versions of ourselves. There’s just no substitute for knowing our own triggers when it comes to living a sane life.

Let this be my written commitment to dust that one off.

How to Manage the Time Change with Kids

“I hate the time change!” said every parent of a young child ever.

The switch to daylight savings can wreak such havoc on our kids’ sleep, and ours, it can make us all want to move to Saskatchewan. Or Arizona.

When the clocks spring ahead (in 2022 it’s Sunday, March 13), it can mean your kids won’t be tired until an hour after their usual bedtime, according to the clock.

If their normal bedtime is 7 p.m., after the time change they won’t be tired until the “new” 8 p.m.

But they still have to get up for daycare and school, and you for work the next day. That can mean each of you is missing an hour of sleep.

(That’s why the Monday after daylight savings starts we see the highest car-accident rate of any day of the year - sleep-deprived drivers lack focus and attention.)

So, the good news: you don’t have to move to Saskatchewan or Arizona, as lovely as both those places are.  Here is a simple method to help your child (and you) gradually adjust to the spring-ahead time change that will have you all waking up feeling, well, just normal-tired on Monday morning:

It starts the week before the time change….

Let’s say your baby’s or big-kids’ bedtime is 7:30.

On the Tuesday or Wednesday, put them to bed about 10 or 15 minutes earlier than usual. It’s a small enough amount that they likely won’t notice.

Repeat that shift a couple of nights later, and again on Saturday night.

When you ease bedtime back 10 or 15 minutes every second night, by the time Sunday night rolls around, your kids will be tucked in at the “new” 7:45 and you only have to adjust to a 15-minute time change on Monday morning.

It takes a little bit of military precision with the bedtime routine to make this strategy work, but that will only help your kids fall asleep more easily anyway.

And don’t forget – you have to get yourself to bed earlier too! That pitter-patter will be coming your way a bit sooner until we all spring ahead.