Why a Strict Bedtime Routine Really Matters

It's the first thing any baby sleep book, fact sheet or expert will tell you to do: establish a bedtime routine.

To some parents, this can feel like their last shred of freedom is being ripped away. Not every parent is a "routine person." For some, living every evening by the clock goes against their very DNA.

But I recommend them anyway, because I believe that a consistent bedtime routine for your kids can actually give you your freedom back.

Stay with me for a minute. 

Here's why routines work for babies and young kids:

• Until about middle childhood, babies' and kids' worlds are very black-and-white: there's right and wrong, yes and no, play time and nap time.... When they know what's coming next, and what to expect, there is more calm and less chaos in their minds.

• Little ones need to develop an internal body clock. When babies are born, their lives are a 24-hour blur of eating, sleeping and diaper changes. They lack a circadian rhythm - that internal body clock that tells us grownups when it's daytime and when to shut down for 8 hours of sleep. To help them develop it, they need to go to bed at roughly the same time every night, give or take 20-30 minutes.

• Kids like to know what's coming next. If your kids are verbal, just notice how many times they ask what's happening in the future: When is dinner time? When's daddy/Mommy coming home? Are we going to Grandma's today?  When they have a bedtime routine that doesn't change much, like the one below, there are no surprises to throw them off. This matters for babies too; they just can't express it yet.

• Clear boundaries build security. Really.  When the big people in their lives are really clear about what happens when, i.e. after bath we brush teeth, have a story and go to bed (virtually every night), and there is no room for negotiation, kids just stop pushing against a wall that doesn't move, and they feel safe in a predictable world (to my American friends, I apologize for the wall analogy). And that means peaceful, calm, sweet bedtime cuddles, kisses and 'night-nights'.

Now, here's why bedtime routines are AWESOME for parents:

• When the bedtime routine is relatively the same and doesn't change in timing or content from night to night, there is just no battle. Bedtime can become some of the sweetest time you spend with your child, rather than a nightly struggle.

• When your kids have a predictable routine, and (very importantly) clear boundaries around sleep at night (i.e. that play/attention/fun/food is for during the day), you get your evenings and nights back for you. Completely.

• Kids with routine sleep habits will easily hunker down at 7 p.m. for 11-12 hours of straight sleep. So for you, that means 3-4 hours every night to do what you want or need, knowing that you'll still have your 8 straight hours when your head hits the pillow. No more wondering what time they're going to call out and wake you up.

• The earlier you start, the easier it is to stick to - it's just a part of your child's life; no debate, no questioning. You can keep the same bedtime routine you developed for your 6-month-old until they're 8. And it makes life so much easier. Really.

So, for a preview of my live webinar on Saturday, February 23, The 90-Minute Baby and Toddler Sleep Solution, here is my sample bedtime routine and age-appropriate schedule - this is just Part 1 of a full, sleep-solving plan:

Start the routine ~ 6:30 p.m.
Bath
Pyjamas
Feeding / snack
Brush teeth (if they have some!)
2 stories (max)
Song / snuggle time
Into bed awake ~ 7 p.m.

If that "Into bed awake" part scares the daylights out of you, then I highly recommend you join me this weekend when I will walk you through a complete, step-by-step plan to help your baby or toddler learn to blow your mind by falling asleep independently and sleeping through the night, every night.

Here's the link to learn more about the live webinar: 
The 90-Minute Baby and Toddler Sleep Solution

Sleep well everyone.

Saying Bye-Bye to the Bottle

You’ve reached that point when you know your toddler doesn’t need a bottle anymore: you’ve heard paediatricians recommend children switch from a bottle to a sippy cup around age one; your dentist has told you it’s a bad idea for her teeth if she falls asleep with it; you know it’s probably the only reason she’s still waking up at night; and your mother-in-law is on your case about it.

Whatever your reason, you want to quit bottle feeding in the night but you can’t imagine how your child ever going to manage (or sleep through the night) without it.

One strategy that works well for a lot of kids is to package up all the bottles and “send them to a new baby” (you can secretly keep them in storage if you need).  If you know a new baby your child can visit, even better.

Prepare for this by talking to your child ahead of time about how he’s so big now that he doesn’t need a bottle anymore and that it’s time to pass them on to “a new little baby who really needs them.”

He can still have his milk before brushing his teeth, but he should have it in a cup. You can warm it up and call it “special coffee” or something fun. And, more preparation: tell him no more milk until the sun comes up.

Now for the hard part: what to do when your child cries out in the night for it? This is one of those unavoidable tough-love parenting moments.

First, you wait a few minutes to see if she will drift back to sleep on her own when she isn’t met with the instant gratification of Mom or Dad sleepily handing over a bottle full of warm milk. If she is not taking this change lying down (pardon the pun), then it’s all about your poker face: go in her room and calmly, quietly remind your little one that there is no more milk until the sun comes up, give her a little rub on the back for comfort and then leave again.

If your child is old enough to be in a big-kid bed and is coming to you with the milk request, then you have to lead her back quietly and matter-of-factly with very little interaction, tuck her in and do the same remind-and-leave routine as above.

You may have to repeat this a lot on the first few nights, so be patient; best to start on a weekend when you can trade naps with your spouse the next day.

It might seem like a losing battle the first night or two, but if you are absolutely clear and consistent with your child, your night-shift work will pay off in spades and full nights’ sleeps for everyone are just around the corner.

Trading Nap Time for Quiet Time

A lot of parents I know see nap time as the most sacred part of their day; it's that break that keeps them sane in the unrelenting job of parenting.

So when your 3-year-old suddenly announces, "I don't want to nap!" and happily makes it through the entire day (with maybe a bit more fuss at supper time), it can bring a full-on state of mourning.

Look at it another way and it can also be freeing - no more rushing home for nap time, trying to keep your child awake in the carseat before you make it home.

How to know it's time to drop the nap
Starting around 3 years old, it's common for kids to no longer need a nap. Some toddlers make the switch a little earlier - they're usually the ones who sleep 12 hours a night and are on the bigger side of the growth curve. On the other end of the spectrum, some kids keep napping well into their fourth year.

You'll know your child is ready when you see signs like:

• not being able to fall asleep at nap time, even when you push it later; or

• taking for-EVER to fall asleep at bedtime on days when they had a nap.

(Just to be clear, I'm talking about kids who have solid sleep skills and had a regular routine of napping and sleeping through the night.)

Transitioning to no-nap days
If your child is showing one or both of those signs, then I'm sorry to say, your nap-break days are likely over.

Or at least shorter; you can start this transition by capping your child's nap at an hour (ie. wake her up!) if she normally knocks off 2+ hours in the middle of the day. (You may find that when your child first stops napping, he will still fall asleep in the car if you're driving later in the day - when this happens, I would cap the carseat nap at 30 minutes and just push bedtime a half hour later.)

When it's really time to drop the nap altogether, I strongly recommend making Quiet Time the next great thing in your house.

In the beginning, most children struggle to get the concept entirely and, depending on temperament, may even fight it. So you have to make it sound, well... awesome.
 
How to get your child to love Quiet Time
Tell your child ahead of time that instead of a nap, she can have Quiet Time. Then at lunch time, remind her about the plan:

Start with some dedicated one-on-one time: let your child choose a toy / activity and then spend the next 10 minutes sitting beside her, pretty much doing a play-by-play of her activity. Say things like "You're making the car go round and round!" or "You're making a really tall block tower!"  No praise, no direction, no questions. This is the idea behind a miraculous behavioural strategy called "attending". It's kind of like a B12-shot of Mom/Dad attention that can curb your child's need to act out for attention in negative ways (see below for more information on this).
 
Then read a book (just one!) with your child, have a snuggle, and get him excited about Quiet Time.

• Have a few toys / figurines and books in a box that is designated only for Quiet Time. You may have to switch it up or add to this regularly.

• Make a simple fort with two chairs and a blanket draped over it with a blanket to sit / lie on inside while he plays. A flashlight can be pretty exciting for a 3- or 4-year-old.

• Keep it short in the beginning: about 20 minutes. You want to avoid making your child feel like he’s been banished. You will want a longer break, but you have to take the long view on this: I’m setting you up for years of quiet times!

• Give your child choice: “Which of these two toys would you like in your quiet-time fort?” “Would you like the cars or the figurines today?” “You choose three books from this pile.”  You have to keep this part quick though.

• Give your child a simple kitchen timer, or set the oven timer for 20 minutes; tell him that when it goes off, quiet time is over.

• Work up to longer quiet times as your child starts to enjoy it and not protest it.

• As soon as your child is contently playing in his Quiet Time spot, go lie down and take your break!  It will be over before you know it.

The Attending strategy can be a real miracle for parents struggling with their child's behavioural issues, or just to help build a more positive parent-child relationship. For more information on how to practice Attending, read Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long.